Have you ever heard this phrase or one similar to it, or have you uttered it yourself?
And always with an intonation of real pain, disappointment, incomprehension…. hurt, betrayed, sometimes frustrated or shocked…and even in some cases humiliated…
How, but how that person whom we have helped so much, or that person for whom we have always been present when he needed it… those past afternoons or nights to help or listen… that co-worker whom we have helped because he was not up to it, that friend for whom we were his tears, that brother or friend to whom we lent money, that ‘special person’ in whom we had absolute confidence and now it turns out that….
Yes, with all that I have done for her/him…
And we are sinking. And we cried. Or we kick. Or we swore we wouldn’t trust anyone else. And we close the doors to love. Or to love. Or to friendship. . .
Or we think that it happens because we are dumb as hell. And we take refuge in thoughts where we are at the level of the bitumen..
Or maybe we even think and plot plan after plan to get revenge while the energy of the negative thoughts go directly to the person in question…
Yes, who has not known or directly experienced a situation in which she/he has exclaimed ‘after all I did for her/him…
And it is even worse, much worse, if for whatever reason, this situation of betrayal has been repeated several times throughout our lives.
I don’t like to talk much about my life and my things. But I confess that it has happened to me. And it was precisely in the midst of this pain that I understood it. I don’t want to say that I had a vision, no, what else would I want, but that I simply understood the reason. And I’m telling it and sharing it now in case it might do you some good and help someone who reads me. You never know…
It was in all this process of low self-esteem, of anger and helplessness, of doubts towards myself, my work, my way of being, my way of seeing life, that I understood and above all I UNDERSTANDED that I had no right to say that famous ‘and after all I’ve done for her/him’.
Because regardless of the circumstances – that is, whether I was asked for help or whether I offered it freely – I did what I wanted, could or considered appropriate. My reward was – is – in what I do. I wanted to help, to support, to lend money, to enjoy that love or relationship because I wanted to. I freely decided. And there in that choice and in those facts, I have had my reward. My real reward. To do what I have believed or desired and the feelings and emotions I have tasted and enjoyed while doing what I thought was right.
Regardless of the ‘reward’ the person in question may have had.
Because if we are doing something expecting the other person to reward us in any way – with their support when we need it, with faithful love, with loyalty, with money – then what we are doing is a kind of investment, like a business. And that’s why we go under when the other person doesn’t reciprocate as we had hoped. It’s our expectations that have fallen dramatically.
However, if you do things because they come from within, in that simple fact is already all our reward. Regardless of the answer he or she may give us.
We feel hurt, disappointed, betrayed, hurt when he/she does not respond to our expectations.
And we forget that the reward has already been given. By doing what we have wanted. That is our true reward: having made use of our free will. Not the reward that comes from others, as humane as that may seem.
For me, understanding this was a real liberation. I understood that no one can betray me or hurt me if I don’t expect any rewards from the other person.
Perhaps someone, somewhere, reading these words, will understand and realise that it doesn’t matter ‘after all I’ve done for him/her’. What matters is what I have done because I wanted to do it and it seemed right to do it.
I assure you that there is an end to all the pain. and you will feel totally liberated.